the words: random, rambling, and rant all begin with an r

i have been thinking recently of creating a new blog where i review movies, particularly the bad ones that completely irritate me and have stolen valuable sections of my life that i will never get back...although there are parts to all movies that can be criticised in some way or other, even the good ones.. but ill save that for a later time or another post.

incase you haven't guessed what this post is about yet, from my relatively cryptic title which seemingly holds no meaning, the theme isss...the alphabet! and words that begin with letters! in honesty as you may have guessed from my previous post, i have been exceedingly stressed out lately...in spite of those dirty-minded people out there i employ i number of methods to relieve stress recently which include:
-working out and actually doing some exercise on something other than my fingers (typing). im quite proud of myself seeing as i havent in over a year and i fear i will fall into the trench of obesity
-yelling really hard at pidgeons until they fly away in fear
-aaand ultimately ranting about random things on this newly made blog in a hope that people will read it and understand my paain! (yes im a terrible actor), not really but writing all this stuff is quite fun now ive gotten started :D

well again to avoid the long bumpy road around the nice and straight 'Main Point', the punchline is that this particular post is an alphabet of words which i have taken at random, and decided to criticise or find something to say about just for fun, because to be honest i can't be bothered to have an opinion on absolutely everything so i will be making most of these up as i go along haha it feels like this will take absolutely ages but i have nothing better to do unless i want to force myself to actually do something productive, but the way i see it is..if i do this now, once ive done it ill have nothing to do and seeing as ive already eliminated doing this all ill be left with is a whole load of guilt and a pile that stretched beyond my head of work to do...i think ill use that as an excuse as to why this is gona be so damn long :| but here goes!

The Rambling Alphabet of Random Ranting

A for Ardvark:

To be honest i've never actually truly known what on earth an ardvark actually is..to be honest i reckon barely anyone does and if they do they either love reading wikipedia as a hobby or they want to become an Ardvarkologist. In my mind the only rationale behind bringing up Ardvark in a conversation is because of the people talking are Ardvark enthusiasts or they enjoy discussing animals that look like the offspring of an armadillo and an anteater, or the fact it has a funny name which instantly makes me instead envisage some kind of docile bird-like animal similar to an ostrich. but maybe thats just me.

B for Beach:

mmm...what comes to mind when i've decided to rant about a beach on my blog post? sand. its everywhere...you can't escape it even when you lay down a towel, it will find a way to get onto you. it's rough and gritty and gets between your toes and yet people frolick around in it as though its soft finely-grated jelly with built-in foot massaging features. i understand it would be nice for little kids etc. who want to build sandcastles, which i admit is quite fun, but that doesn't excuse how damn annoying it is when it comes to just getting rid of it! get off my legs damit! no i don't have any sandles!

C for Cow:

I've decided that at this rate, i will write an entire books worth of descriptions on random words, so im going to limit myself to 3 or 4 lines and seeing as im talking about cows ill just say this. They are up in the top 10 list of most boring animals on the planet along with badgers, wilderbeest and benji (loll). I can understand how they can be fun when you want to tip them over but even that is nearly impossible because they weigh like 9 million tonnes, and if Me, Myself and Irene is accurate you can shoot them in the head 10 times and they will be just fine (now that is pretty cool).

D for Doughnuts:

Yes they taste unbelievable good particularly Krispy Kremes, but they ultimately serve you with nothing more than 5 minutes of joy and 5 pounds of FAT. they are good every now and then, they taste nice, they look nice, they are ok to eat, but i've learned the hard way that eating a Double Dozen of Krispy Kremes is not the answer. to anything. unless you have an unrelenting desire to turn yourself into a new form of public transport. or a whale.

E for Elf:

I've never been a huuuuge fan on fantasy or had a particular interest not in santa but in his little green helpers, but its my understanding that elves are either: immortal fertility gods that like to live in underground caves and are exceptionally beautiful, or tiny men that run around in green outfits and held captive by santa, have a fetish over the snap, crackle, and pop sounds of rice krispies, (watch the commercials), and seem to be able to build absolutely every toy known to man despite being isolated in the middle of the arctic circle with no access to an instruction manual or assembly guide..mmm... i prefer the second type of elf! screw lord of the rings!

F for Froobs:

Yes, some amazing genius out there decided it was a good idea to put yoghurt into a thin plastic packaging that can be squeezed easily into your mouth.. i know! i can't believe i didn't think of it either! there is some very particular innuendo with eating froobs, and in spite of ruining ever being able to eat them again after reading this they don't taste that great anyway and only come in strawberry flavour as far as i know. on the plus side! they make very good pepper spray replacements if you pierce a tiny hole in the end and squeeze it as hard as possible towards the attacker's eyes.

okok i've decided to keep it short and sweet this time round, and perhaps continue this on another occasion. but until next time! have a goodnight folks..

the day that doesn't seem to end

Wow, this is something new.. im actually at school at writing this blog post because ive reached a stage where im both no longer bothered to do any meaningful work, and i have no means of doing anything else in this void-of-joy institution. I suppose im using this as some sort of release from the instant depression i felt in seeing my exam timetable today, in light of the previous post i made where i ranted about the pros and cons of going to university, its truly dawned on me today how..well basically..fucked i am! it will take a miracle for me to absorb the volume of information that i need to learn in order to pass these exams in the summer, a miracle whereby someone shoots a large gun filled with 'information' at a million handouts a second into my temple in a futile attempt to try and cram 200 pages worth of information into a brain that can only fit..none.

yes i admit it i am completely void of concentration and focus, as mr roberts would say i am becoming a "Susan" on the chart of people that will either do well or fail. i wanted to make my own category known as the people that don't concentrate and are consistently unfocused and still do well! but that path is becoming increasingly shrouded in piles of handouts and dense blocks of text on tourism, the internet and different types of coastal landforms.

whoever designed the exam timetable is a complete assface. he must have thought:

Examiner: "omg i have a great idea on how to ruin the life of all those students when it comes to exams! let me put a 3 hour geography exam on the day before a 3 hour computing exam! both in the morning! then maybe if theyre still alive afterwards i can go over and laugh at them as they cry"

Chief Examiner guy in charge of exams: "Damn thats the best idea ive ever heard, lets just make the content on those 3 hour exams as tedious and long as possible!"

well aside from the daunting task of learning piles and piles of information on things i will probably never use in real life, i have these exceedingly long and boring days to cope with e.g. four periods of geography on tuesday, and again on thursday?! and finishing at 4.30pm like all of the damn time. to exacerbate things even further, within the school environment itself im constantly surrounded my underling plebs in the years of 7-11 that seem to have only just recently mustered the intelligence to spell their names properly when graffitying...aside from the fact they dont seem to know how to do up a tie in some attempt to appear 'cool' they walk as though they constantly have a rolling pin shoved up their ass and in an attempt to alleviate the pain, loosened their belts to make their trousers baggy enough for you to see their 50 Cent underwear. yes you've guessed it, the school is polluted with chav.

i had an idea once...why don't we cram all of societies scum: muggers, rapist, pedos, chavs and just criminals and terrorist in general, into a large spacecraft fitted with video cameras in a Big Brother-esque TV programme, then send them off into orbit whilst we watch Darwinism cause them to shoot eachother and eat eachothers brains. maybe if one of them is clever enough they will learn to use the navigation well enough to fly them all into the sun! (p.s. this show would probably be more entertaining than actual Big Brother, which is the shittest programme ever made in the universe ever. in fact, watching that hypnotises me into wanting to smash my head against a large wall of iron and is akin to staring at a hippo's anus for prolonged periods of time i.e. nothing can come from it but shit. - James Ransome)

until next time! take care people

everything yet nothing

you always had something but you wanted more,
something you can call your own and something to adore,
you closed your eyes and in the sky the sun was shining down,
then you opened them up and there she was in the whitest wedding gown,
she was just another person deep in thought like you,
she closed her eyes then opened them up and saw you in a suit.

something that can't be touched nor can it be seen,
is that something you were looking for all along,
in a place you'd never been,
in a place where it all makes sense and yet its so surreal,
that place you go when her eyes meet yours, and its only her you feel,
nobody is there but her, and for her no-one but you,
something you've wanted for the longest time, but you could never have,
something that was unrequited but now she wants you too,
you never did have much but you never needed it,
least of all when you found that special something,
the place you found for you and her,
which is everything, yet nothing.

illness is just an excuse

well..im sitting here in my room writing a new post on my blog whilst i should be at school doing computing coursework, because i've fallen under the wrath of the most annoying illness known to man... i became ill so suddenly on saturday night, that it was almost as though my immune system decided it doesn't give a shit anymore and gave the flu virus a really detailed step-by-step guide on how to cause me the most suffering within the space of a single evening..it ruined my plans of going to the pub and resultantly i mustered enough strength to see the worst film ever made. ever; "Knowing" with Nicolas Cage...in fact i can summarise it as follows:

Nicolas Cage: "mmm..lots of dates on a large piece of paper! let me drink some more whiskey in my basement"

Skeptical Friend: "those dates are meaningless!"

Nicolas Cage: "those dates aren't meaningless!!"

Blonde Alien Man: *whisper whisper whisper*

Skeptical Friend: "omg your right those dates are meaningful! shit tell some people"

Nicolas Cage: "shit its too late we're all going to die..hey! that's my son!"

Blonde Alien Man: *whisper whisper*

Nicolas Cage: "Don't touch my son!"

Blonde Alien Man: *whisper whisper* *flies away in spacecraft*

BOOM! the entire universe explodes.

the end.

as a matter of fact, that film was so bad, that i think it pissed off the flu virus that had just started getting cosy inside me and made it punish me for watching such a movie via rapid sneezing and making my eyes feel like they've just been put into the microwave...that was on saturday night, and its now monday afternoon and im only just beginning to feel slightly better after downing caps and caps of "Benalyn for Flu" medicine. At the same time im feeling the weight of guilt for not doing my computing coursework as i write this, knowing that the deadline is nearing..but on the other hand its given me the flexibility to go take a nap now so i have more energy to work on it tomorrow, double-speed!

i said in my last post that i would build on some of the things i mentioned in greater depth, like perhaps revealing to everybody my entire psyche in the space of a few paragraphs..unfortunately im unsure as to how to go about doing that, but i will say a few things that are the somewhat 'highlights' of my life at the moment: my mother has signed my up to play live music in the local pubs and bars, despite the fact that i can't sing or atleast i can but not well enough to please a group of drunken people brandishing easily breakable-into-weapon beer bottles and glasses. i fear for my life. and secondly, what would they like to listen to? because the only song ive heard recently coming from those places is Living On A Prayer by Bon Jovi and like hell am i playing that...in terms of relationships, i don't think that's going anywhere partially because anyone that i would remotely have a chance with already has a boyfriend, and everyone else i just don't have a chance with. im not sure why that is but the more you think about and try to rationalise things like that the more it becomes likened to asking yourself something like "what is the meaning of the universe?" i.e. don't bother. i just be myself, thats all i can be. and myself is random and quirky subtly blended in with nerdiness and unusual hobbies, not to say that i actively seek out to portray myself like that.

The point is that in my experience nobody can truly know what everybody wants and what everybody is looking for, because if that was the case everybody would be perspectively perfect, almost as though they are psychic or like Mel Gibson from that movie What a Woman Wants. "you know sarah..i like poetry, long walks on the beach and riding bikes.." reply "omg lewis! me too what are the chances? we get on so well now because we have so much in common that we should totally go out!"..in a perfect world maybe. but in my opinion i think there is an element of chance in finding relationships...in my experience i find that moulding yourself into what you think a person likes or is looking for does no good because that person will always be a fabrication..its about those moments that happen just on the spur of the occasion, such as when the girl drops her books and you go to pick them up as she does and you bang heads and both giggle, its a huge cliche` but you get the point. so recently, ive decided to save myself the torment of trying to understand why it is that jerks and people that treat girls like crap always end up, ironically, getting the girl.

perhaps in some ways it is true that nice guys finish last but if its a race out of a nice guy and a bunch of assholes, i think its worth the wait as opposed to turning to the darkside and conforming to the idea that girls "love bad guys" just so you can finish first but instead of winning a gold medal you win an aluminium medal painted gold. i dont care how amazing the girl is, nothing is worth becoming a 'bad guy' over when you can wait and find someone who likes 'nice guys' which you are and her being your real gold medal.

in conclusion, that was a bit of a long detour to taking the road labelled "Main Point", but just be yourself. don't be saddened when your unlucky in life because there is always a balance and something good will happen in its place eventually, and humour truly is the best medicine.

until next time, thank you for reading :)

ants can carry a lot on their backs

hi peoplee, this is my first actual blog! im kinda new to the whole blogging scene.. but i suppose i have an obligation to make it engaging and interesting enough for you to continue reading beyond what your reading now, and hopefully by the time i find something in that confused head of mine to talk about, i will have achieved just that.

i've always read blogs and felt a mixture of inspiration and interest into how people can express themselves so freely, and talk about literally anything and everything; and yet despite my best efforts i can't seem to process the endless jumble of noise that rambles around in my head all of the time, something which should be easy..just say what i feel right? but im gonna give it a shot anyway and best scenario: you laugh a bit and understand just what it is that makes me stare randomly into space for prolonged periods of time (yes people have given me weird looks and pointed this out) haha, worst case: you laugh a bit, except at me, ultimately thinking that reading this blog was akin to watching the paint on a wall dry..whilst eating a peanutbutter sandwich. in any case, here goes.

I guess for the first blog i've ever written, i should tie in a number of the major things going on in my life right now and sort of what i feel makes me most contemplative most recently, but ill get onto that after i blab about myself for a bit. although i like to think of myself as being a layered and complicated person for the thrill of perhaps knowing it makes me less like a plank of wood and more like a mysterious/interesting guy, in reality there isn't much to me...of course like all people, i have my twist and turns but on the surface im just the manifestation of everything i see around me and the product of my experiences, similar to how skydiving might make you more daring. I like to believe i can read people and that im really good at psychology because i want to have the feeling that i can understand why people do some things when im actually completely lost, to try and rationalise why some things dont go the way i planned or why i can never seem to get some things right when everything i think i know points to the contrary...i blame myself for all of lifes failures even when its out of my control or theres nothing i could have done, because no matter how successful i am or how much i achieve, i never seem to approve myself. i am constantly self-depreciating because i want to think i can be something better..i see stories of success around me and wish that i could envelope all of them, like an obsession which i cant seem to shake...i've learnt to play 3 instruments well and im continuing to learn a further 3, i tried to be an artist and took up art and design, ive written songs, ive written poems and i practice guitar every night...i like to fill my life with these talents and quirks because it distracts me from everything else i cant control..like a rabbit trying to eat cabbage because its being force-fed carrots..

i have a tightly wound circle of friends that i know will genuinely last, but i'll never forget those that have left my immediate life. they all have an impact on me, every single one in some way or other..and i miss them.

i like to make people laugh and always be the pioneer of jokes and humour in my tightly-wound circle of friends and thats part of what fuels my self-esteem when everything else around me seems to be failing...

at this point in my life, the pressure is overwhelming and arguably the highest its ever been at any one time yet i cant seem the shake the feeling that i just dont care. I'm seen by so many people as being an academic maverick who will grow to do great things, and will have the most dazzling career seemingly out of some sort of magic spell where i can shoot money out of my ass, which of course should be expected from relatives and family friends but it doesn't make things any better...theres so much weight on one tiny frame of time where simply writing a few things on a few pieces of paper is alleged to determine your entire life..i think its complete bullshit but there are always two sides to an argument..

sure ive gotten into some uni's and they want high grades from me, but the argument that goes: "its only a few months of hard work then you can relax! then its all over, isnt that worth it in the end?" is becoming increasingly irritating to my ears amidst the weight of the world on my shoulders..i failed my recent exams in spite of my determination to not care whether or not i do well because half of me thinks none of this matters.. the other half of me wants the social life, the legends that come with university and the amazing fresher's week, the prospect of finding a significant other and building my knowledge of the world. FIRST TIME. in all honesty, if i dont make it into university THIS time round, not next year, not after a few years, NOW when everyone else is going and having a good time, i think i will honestly go insane..because the prospect of being so isolated and such a failure in the eyes of so many is one that is increasingly difficult to bare. back to the first half..if i dont get in this time, there is more to life than university right? i can go and experience new things maybe climb mt. everest or visit some new cultures! but thats just wishful thinking ill probably end up in the Alaskan wilderness for a few decades before im found by some local hunters that mistake me for bigfoot because ive grown a beard the size of me..on the brightside they'll probably make a documentary about it and i'll be rich just like the original plan except without having gone to university! hows that for irony..

woh..well that was a long rant but its what has been tormenting me most lately..i have too much to juggle in that head of mine without having to worry about learning arbitrary facts on the universe and what type of computer cable is the best type..now to the point on why i stare so blankly..i think about everything, all of the time, thinking about the past about the future and about what is happening around me right at that moment. i think about things as broad as what im going to say to my friends next time i talk to them all the way to what i should have for dessert later ice cream or jelly and everything in between. im lonely i wont lie about that nor be embarrased because im sure many people are. its not a condescending trait, it just means that amidst this lifestyle of mine..watching one tv programme a week, studying three subjects everyday whilst i balance a social life and the responsibilities of looking after and tutoring two younger sisters, i want something more. i want the feeling you get when you know that no matter how badly things might be going in your life or how badly your screwing everything up around you, you mean something more than just friendship to someone because you have expressed the exact blend of qualities at the exact right times to cause someone to feel that way..and when you feel the same, its a beautiful and seemingly rare thing to have.

but back to beginning..i am quite simple once you get to know me, and those of you that do will know what im like anyway so i wont go into too much detail on here ill save that for another time because ive ranted enough about stuff already as it is..but i have left quite a few doors open for future blogs which is good if youve enjoyed reading this one. there will be more to come! :)