ants can carry a lot on their backs

hi peoplee, this is my first actual blog! im kinda new to the whole blogging scene.. but i suppose i have an obligation to make it engaging and interesting enough for you to continue reading beyond what your reading now, and hopefully by the time i find something in that confused head of mine to talk about, i will have achieved just that.

i've always read blogs and felt a mixture of inspiration and interest into how people can express themselves so freely, and talk about literally anything and everything; and yet despite my best efforts i can't seem to process the endless jumble of noise that rambles around in my head all of the time, something which should be easy..just say what i feel right? but im gonna give it a shot anyway and best scenario: you laugh a bit and understand just what it is that makes me stare randomly into space for prolonged periods of time (yes people have given me weird looks and pointed this out) haha, worst case: you laugh a bit, except at me, ultimately thinking that reading this blog was akin to watching the paint on a wall dry..whilst eating a peanutbutter sandwich. in any case, here goes.

I guess for the first blog i've ever written, i should tie in a number of the major things going on in my life right now and sort of what i feel makes me most contemplative most recently, but ill get onto that after i blab about myself for a bit. although i like to think of myself as being a layered and complicated person for the thrill of perhaps knowing it makes me less like a plank of wood and more like a mysterious/interesting guy, in reality there isn't much to me...of course like all people, i have my twist and turns but on the surface im just the manifestation of everything i see around me and the product of my experiences, similar to how skydiving might make you more daring. I like to believe i can read people and that im really good at psychology because i want to have the feeling that i can understand why people do some things when im actually completely lost, to try and rationalise why some things dont go the way i planned or why i can never seem to get some things right when everything i think i know points to the contrary...i blame myself for all of lifes failures even when its out of my control or theres nothing i could have done, because no matter how successful i am or how much i achieve, i never seem to approve myself. i am constantly self-depreciating because i want to think i can be something better..i see stories of success around me and wish that i could envelope all of them, like an obsession which i cant seem to shake...i've learnt to play 3 instruments well and im continuing to learn a further 3, i tried to be an artist and took up art and design, ive written songs, ive written poems and i practice guitar every night...i like to fill my life with these talents and quirks because it distracts me from everything else i cant control..like a rabbit trying to eat cabbage because its being force-fed carrots..

i have a tightly wound circle of friends that i know will genuinely last, but i'll never forget those that have left my immediate life. they all have an impact on me, every single one in some way or other..and i miss them.

i like to make people laugh and always be the pioneer of jokes and humour in my tightly-wound circle of friends and thats part of what fuels my self-esteem when everything else around me seems to be failing...

at this point in my life, the pressure is overwhelming and arguably the highest its ever been at any one time yet i cant seem the shake the feeling that i just dont care. I'm seen by so many people as being an academic maverick who will grow to do great things, and will have the most dazzling career seemingly out of some sort of magic spell where i can shoot money out of my ass, which of course should be expected from relatives and family friends but it doesn't make things any better...theres so much weight on one tiny frame of time where simply writing a few things on a few pieces of paper is alleged to determine your entire life..i think its complete bullshit but there are always two sides to an argument..

sure ive gotten into some uni's and they want high grades from me, but the argument that goes: "its only a few months of hard work then you can relax! then its all over, isnt that worth it in the end?" is becoming increasingly irritating to my ears amidst the weight of the world on my shoulders..i failed my recent exams in spite of my determination to not care whether or not i do well because half of me thinks none of this matters.. the other half of me wants the social life, the legends that come with university and the amazing fresher's week, the prospect of finding a significant other and building my knowledge of the world. FIRST TIME. in all honesty, if i dont make it into university THIS time round, not next year, not after a few years, NOW when everyone else is going and having a good time, i think i will honestly go insane..because the prospect of being so isolated and such a failure in the eyes of so many is one that is increasingly difficult to bare. back to the first half..if i dont get in this time, there is more to life than university right? i can go and experience new things maybe climb mt. everest or visit some new cultures! but thats just wishful thinking ill probably end up in the Alaskan wilderness for a few decades before im found by some local hunters that mistake me for bigfoot because ive grown a beard the size of me..on the brightside they'll probably make a documentary about it and i'll be rich just like the original plan except without having gone to university! hows that for irony..

woh..well that was a long rant but its what has been tormenting me most lately..i have too much to juggle in that head of mine without having to worry about learning arbitrary facts on the universe and what type of computer cable is the best type..now to the point on why i stare so blankly..i think about everything, all of the time, thinking about the past about the future and about what is happening around me right at that moment. i think about things as broad as what im going to say to my friends next time i talk to them all the way to what i should have for dessert later ice cream or jelly and everything in between. im lonely i wont lie about that nor be embarrased because im sure many people are. its not a condescending trait, it just means that amidst this lifestyle of mine..watching one tv programme a week, studying three subjects everyday whilst i balance a social life and the responsibilities of looking after and tutoring two younger sisters, i want something more. i want the feeling you get when you know that no matter how badly things might be going in your life or how badly your screwing everything up around you, you mean something more than just friendship to someone because you have expressed the exact blend of qualities at the exact right times to cause someone to feel that way..and when you feel the same, its a beautiful and seemingly rare thing to have.

but back to beginning..i am quite simple once you get to know me, and those of you that do will know what im like anyway so i wont go into too much detail on here ill save that for another time because ive ranted enough about stuff already as it is..but i have left quite a few doors open for future blogs which is good if youve enjoyed reading this one. there will be more to come! :)