blah blah and blabby blab of me

yes, given by my unusual title, i will be both blah blahing and blabby blabbing. about me. not to say that all of my blog posts arent about me anyway, since its my blog o.O but anyway, i've been thinking ALL day about what to write on this particular post, because this wont be like the others, in the sense that i'm going to try and transcribe everything in my entire head into something you can read and hopefully understand...i seldom go any deeper on this blog than a humorous babble about something random, but this time i'm gonna write a sort of journal on my thoughts and my life. and im insane so good luck. if you finish reading the whole thing ill send you a cookie.

i'm unsure as to where to begin, but i suppose i should take the past couple of days as a case study..they've been the usual, except subtly different..i'm not sure why but i'm stuck in a limbo, a world of indifference where i've become numb to everything, like a robot. i no longer have focus nor do i understand a lot of things anymore..

im insane for a few reasons. one being that i stare blankly for prolonged periods of time and live more inside my head than i do the outside world. two being that most of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is random babble used to make people laugh otherwise its a question aimed at whoever im talking to..about something random. three, i over-analyse everything. literally. i do something then like an poem from english lit class i deconstruct it and envisage multiple other ways it could have turned out in my head, for no apparent reason. i high five people rather than shake their hands when i meet them and i use "howdy doodle" as a greeting. i make a good chewbacca impression and i call people without an excuse..sometimes as many as 5 people in one phone convo. i eat unusually fast and type unusually fast, and im hyper observant when i go outside as well as hyper-paranoid. since i was robbed the first time a few years ago ive been automatically apprehensive whenever i go anywhere, it was so bad before i had to cancel on friends just if i had never been to where it is they wanted to meet up before, unsure as to how high the probability of being robbed was. its not so bad anymore. i sometimes like to sit alone in the park and just listen to the trees, if i cant be bothered to do that ill use my garden but its too noisy with traffic there..which sucks. theres too much light pollution in this city and i want to move somewhere remote where i can see the galaxy in the sky at night instead of dull faded clouds.

i used to be somebody who was organised and didn't have the most perfect routine but atleast there was some sort of order to my life. but now its chaos, im shrouded in a room covered in mess and text books scattered across the floor which haven't even been studied yet. i spend most of my time wondering who i am nowadays as opposed to just getting on with things and stopping being so damn contemplative. i cant seem to escape.

i wake up and if i have work, i reluctantly go there where im even more like a robot, and there is a mountain of stuff i ccould say about work but can't for legal reasons. if i dont have work, i just wake up and if im able to meet up with someone i will, else ill sit around and either listen to music or play guitar until i fall to sleep again. occasionally having a cookie. and some pasta. num num!!

there are plates and old clothes and my guitar laden over my makeshift couch, and no matter how often i clean my room it ends up like this anyway. i can't seem to sleep nor do i have the energy to do anything productive, it's literally taking the last quanta of energy i have left just to write this post. there is no way in hell im going to accomplish the schoolwork thats been set for me, and i know i have school tomorrow but i feel no fear. fear that i usually would feel knowing i havent done as ive been told. because the only reason i would care is if i was adamant on passing my test and going to university, but i cant truly say i am anymore. my mind and my focus have wandered elsewhere and left me stranded and blank. i spend most of my time staring blankly and just thinking about what the future holds and wishing i wasn't in the monotony of the present. i feel like im slowly degrading and everything is falling around me, because i barely smile anymore nor do i have the same drive to be funny and enthusiastic as i usually do. im scruffy and i cant find any damn clothes because they keep vanishing and ive spent more time sleeping somewhere other than my bed than..well, sleeping in my bed!

i'm one of about three people max. that i know whom call other people randomly for no apparent reason, just to talk. and akin to the fact i have no idea what to write on this post even though ive thought long and hard about it, when i do randomly call people i have no idea what to talk about. but that isnt the point. i call them because i miss them and i want to know how their day is going and how they are. and i do get nervous before they answer, because i feel like im just wasting their time and unless i have a valid excuse why should i have that privelage..its not like im super-interesting and can pull conversational topics out of thin air, but if i didn't call i would be stuck with myself..and my thoughts. i miss people and i find comfort in their voice.

im worried. worried that this numbness im feeling and this sort of 'i dont care about anything' attitude im adopting will turn me into someone else..for as long as i can remember, i've always looked out for those around me more than i have myself, ive always ensured that when a friend asked something of me and i can do it, i will and i will as quickly and as best as i can. because without those people, my friends, where would i be..but recently ive looked the other way and am less and less inclined to randomly call people, to go on facebook or msn and try and make conversations..instead ive found myself just in this daze where i sit around and either try and make songs or just wait until i fall asleep from boredom. am i becoming cold and careless? has it become the case that ive become so accustomed to disappointment and lack of self-confidence in my life that the prospect of happiness and enthusiasm has just become an after-thought? well like hell am i going to let anything like that change me. i know who i am, but im just going through a phase some might call depression but it isn't quite. its just the absence of happiness. im indifferent, neutral, in limboo. and its irritating the shit out of me.

its tormenting to think that people cant randomly talk to people. i see people all around me when i walk, when i travel, and just in the outside world in general. all of them encapsulated in their own little worlds i have no right to invade, but there are times when i see people of similar age to me or people alone and sitting curiously like me that i would like to talk to because i dont see why not other than the way it has been depicted into being "creepy" or undesirable. and for what reason? we're all just people in this big game called life, and we only live it once.

most nights end with me listening to a load of songs until i drift wearily into a deep sleep on the couch below my bed, because my bed no longer has a ladder and its too much effort to climb into it. its given be back problems which sucks, and not to mention my computer chair which is no better and feels like sitting on a plank of unusually hard wood attached to another plank of wood at JUST the right angle to make your back feel like its been hit by a train. i normally lay in my room in the pitch blackness for a while just staring into the top of my bed and thinking of everything there is to be thought of..there is no structure to what i think about, nor do i understand why because unusually i remember everything. well atleast it seems that way, random events and occurences that just pop into my head which are so random i have no idea why i even remember it. there is just an absolute mountain of junk lying in the caverns of my mind, and at the top is the holy grail of my dreams and aspirations.

i remember most of my dreams lately, and lately ive had a lot of dreams. that is the kind you have at night. but i havent written them so i cant tell you what they are, but next time i will. i once wrote a list of 100 things i want to do before i die. but it was lost along with my wallet and all of my other wallet-based credentials about a year ago..instead of come up with a more practical list of 5 major goals and a number of sub-goals in each. my goals correspond to different countries, so five countries which i will visit, and within each 5 sub-goals i will accomplish. ill say what the countries are but ill save the goals for another post..

-Australia
-China
-America
-Netherlands
-Easter Island

i used to have clear goals and i knew exactly where i was going and how i was going to get there..but now im in this limbo, everything is in disarray almost like my unsightly room is mirroring it..i'm constantly in this loop where i wake early, prepare for the day ahead, and nothing goes the way i expected.. i get home and i think of diluting my thoughts and feelings into songs and poems but i rarely yield any success..so is scrunch them up, turn the light off and live with them inside my head, tired of the fact i cant seem to find the capability. then i listen to my favourite songs and wonder how on earth i'll ever match up to that.. thats like most things regarding the clear goals i used to have in mind. my ideas that maybe if i followed the rules a bit and went to uni, and became rich and successul somehow that i would have an idyllic lifestyle, and maybe even become a rockstar. pfft. i no longer care about any of that. and i find that i don't even care if i get into uni or not this year, because in essence, this numbness i feel is in itself me just not caring. all i have my eyes on is the future and in particular travelling the world and experiencing life. i dont know what the future holds and im taking each day as it comes, but i know where i want to be. i dont care about wealth or possessions unless they'll help me achieve my list of goals. i suffer every weekend for the opportunity to do these things, sacrificing days of sunshine and opportunities to go out with my friends..i just hope its worth it in the end. not to mention the fact that every time i get paid about £300 a month it vanishes into the ether a couple of days later. its like what the hell do i buy? because i dont know of any fancy new items in my possession, its my theory i spend it on food and clothes which dont exist. but now i have a goal. i have some use for my money, and ive never been more determined to do anything in my entire life. i used to think my determination was university, but now its to have an adventure and travel. australia being #1 on the list.

in my life ive never had a companion with whom ive shared such experiences with. travelling places, camping, staying in hotels and exploring with..nor have i done any of those things alone anyway. and i want that all to change, i want to have experiences i can talk about and reflect upon as opposed to the jumble of thoughts i have now which are predominantly disappointments and wishes that things will get better. i keep moving forward further into the unknown in hope that something will eventually change. and ill escape this limbo. i dont want to become cold and follow the same repeating pattern everyday which has made me so numb..i want to make a song, i want to go to australia, i want to skydive, i want to have a relationship, i want to be someone im proud of rather than someone who has no self-esteem. someone who is a nice guy but doesnt finish last. someone that looks straight ahead instead of at his shoes..and im hoping that if i accomplish this list, ill be that someone.

today i was attacked by a a trolley filled with about 10 different types of cactus. i barely woke up this morning after falling asleep on the floor last night in a sleeping bag in my room at about 4am only to wake up at 8.30 in preparation to go to work. i didnt wake up at that time instead i threw my mobile alarm clock behind my bed and woke up a second time at 10.30am. i was late.

i had cheerios and golden nuggets for breakfast, and despite how much i dislike coffee, it was the only caffeine based thing i had available and i downed two cups of it. reluctantly. by the time i made it to the bus stop i barely had enough energy to even mount the bus that arrived 20 minutes later than the average time it usually arrives. almost as though it knew i was late for work and was mocking me. in the end i did arrive and it was absolute chaos. its almost as though hot weather makes customers go insane and something is activated in the human mind that says "must. buy. PLANTS! AND CACTI TO PRICK LEWIS WITH!" who the hell buys 25 cacti? but anyways, on my short half an hour long break i did contemplate randomly calling somebody, but instead i ended up spending 20 minutes attemtping in vain to write a post using my mobile, failing, and then listening to music whilst i listened to the sound of cars zoom by and ate a free ice cream.

i became so tired by about 3 oclock that my eyes were burning and i was losing concentration completely. i spent most of my time reading lines in my head of what i was going to write on here but that didnt turn out as well as i had hoped as i can see now.

im growing my beard again, and im hoping to make it the longest its ever been before for reasons unknown..well im curious mostly. i would talk in detail about another one of my days that have taken place recently but to be honest they are so boring my mind hasnt even bothered keeping them in storage.

there are three days that stand out in my mind however, that have taken place over this easter holiday, and they have been the best three days ive had in a very long time. i drew a picture for the first time in a while where i actually tried hard to make it look good lol and im working on making a song..

my cat henry spends more time at my neighbours house now than he does at mine and he stays there until so late that my mum gets worried and forces me to try and call him in at some obscene hour like 1am even though he'll never hear me because hes at my NEIGHBOURS. also, i need to babysit like all the time lately, which is irritating considering they dont need babysitting. just put a movie on and feed them some ice cream and its settled! something they can do themselves! i have to take out the rubbish every wednesday which drives me nuts considering how interruptive it is and how much rubbish we seem to go through (it really is terrible). my student finance thing is totally screwed and apparently i DONT want a loan or any money that is available to me, and i cant rectify this for something as trivial as the fact my printer has NO INK!! and i have no moeny to buy any ink, because despite the fact i have a job and get loads of money, i have no money!! wtff.

the idea of doing work keeps lingering over my head, and i know i havent done any all easter so the thought of trying to do some now even though i know i wont finish in time is completely stupid, all i would be accomplishing is making myself less unfinished than before.

after work today, the longest day ever might i add considering i worked both saturday and sunday this weekend..i sat for a while in the park, it was quiet and in contrast to the insane day i had, i finally found peace. and it was on the touch of a breeze rolling by my head that i finally felt better and mustered a smile. but i looked insane because i was in the park smiling to myself like ive just fed a record number of pidgeons and i love feeding pidgeons o.O

i suppose things will go the way they have been again..im going to lay around listening to music until i fall asleep on my couch because im too lazy to get into my annoyingly high up bed then im going to wake up and eat some cheerios and golden nuggets before making a peanutbutter sandwich and slaying an evil dragon to save the beautiful princess and restore order to the land. but in the meantime, im going to make a rap and become an icon all in time for me to go to australia and make enough money to make my puppets dance. DANCE PUPPETS!! DANCE!! MWAHAHAHA!! (you know who you are).

until next time, if youve read this far and that means the entire thing, then leave a comment so i know who you are and ill send you a cookie and a virtual high-ten. yes. HIGH TEN. (this only counts if i actually know who you are. and i dont run out of cookies from eating them all..NUM NUM!!)

this is the longest post ive ever written and also the deepest. damit what the hell have i been talking about, not even i know and im me..anyways its nap time!



NUM NUM NUM!!