a special smelly somebody :)

ok, so i haven't written anything on my blog in lets just say, ever. i mean sure i did start a blog and i did write a few post as it was starting out, but can we really call them post? they were seldom about anything important and the majority of it was spent on rambling about things beginning with different letters in the alphabet including doughnuts and ardvarks. The point is, i've never really had anything to motivate me, to compell me, to absolutely drive me to write something intriguing and meaningful as i intend to do on this blog.

it began as merely a combined attempt to yield some entertainment from an otherwise boring evening, or maybe as some kind of vanity project along the lines of "omg! blogging is all the rage now, let me go make one to see how many people read it!" and over a period of time i realised this; as well as the fact that i often found it annoyingly difficult to transcribe what goes on inside my head onto a computer screen, let alone write coherently whilst doing so, to the extent that working at Homebase, sleeping, and socialising on Facebook overwhelmed my motivation to continue blogging.

BUT WAIT! whats this your reading? :O could it be? is it true? LEWIS HAS RETURNED! lo and behold my almighty re-awakening! yes. i have now found motivation to continue my blog, and it could only come from one source...seeing as all the things i love, such as food, watching junk on ninjavideo, playing guitar and sleeping have no possible means of compelling me to write on my blog, because they are by nature things that are impossible to go into detail about on a post without seeming either obsessed or very strange, and at the same time boring the hell out of everyone. "today i had pizza for dinner! it was pepperoni...i like pizza!" get the idea? and seeing, as previously mentioned, its difficult for me to write randomly about things without any pre-ideas or plan as to what i was going to talk about, it is indeed the case that i have only returned tonight because of one person. and that person isss Stephen Hawking. o.O

not really :D its chantel! hehe, she is the only thing i think about everyday, that i have the ability to find motivation to write about and actually create posts about, as opposed to aaany other thing that i could possibly write about, which would require long laborious moments of deep thought as to how im going to structure my sentences and not bore all of my readers. i could talk about my day for example, but let me stop right there. i wake up, i go to work, work is always tiring and monotonous, i come home, the end. im already finished! and thats just one example. As usual, i'm taking the long route around the quick main point, which is that i need drive, and chantel gives me just that.

I don't need to plan, i don't need to fuss or worry about how good or bad my writing is, i don't need to sit around and think about how to best make use of my English language skills...because unlike anything else in my mind, chantel is always clear. Thoughts on her or about her arrive perfectly in my head and expressing them is equally as pleasingly easy and satisfying, because each time i express just a quanta of what i feel, the warmth and sanctuary that fills me up inside is inexpressably nice. I'm not the most confident person in the world, although my actions and how i act sometimes begs the contrary, i feel like i can be myself around her without ever having to question it because i might not seem cool or i might not be normal or usual. I'm completely free, and i feel safe.

I didn't have any real plan as to what i was going to say when i began writing this post, but what i did have on my side was my memories and the fact that chantel makes me feel on top of the world, and hopefully through reading this you can empathise with some of the warmth and comfort i experience through these feelings. I've never expressed my feelings for a person, or at least written any sort of dedication or message exclusively regarding somebody openly before, so excuse my cheesiness :D hehe although i may at some points try to digress or shift onto another interesting topic to balance out the extra mature cheddar, i don't think i'll be able to because there is nothing i would rather talk about than the past two weeks in particularly regards to that special smelly somebody.

Sure i make jokes and i act like a complete and utter retard a lot of the time, but chantel understands me and actually sees all of me. not just one side. I've never spent an insanely large amount of time with just one person before until now, and at the same time i've never felt so happy for it. To feel the kind of companionship and joy that she has brought to me has been the best experience ever. and that is a gross understatement.

I've been laying on the work quite thick lately, and i've rarely had any time to do anything at all, in the sense that work has made me so tired and de-motivated that by the time its finished i literally don't feel like doing anything..BUT just the thought of seeing chantel afterwards or knowing that i'm going to spend day after day with her has gotten me by this entire time when i otherwise would have surely collapsed and been found lifeless in the painting aisle. She gives me a burst of energy and motivation like i've never felt before, because the feeling that i get just from being around her is enough to make me neglect tiredness, laziness, the feeling that i want to do anything else..i don't mean to say that im obsessed or a stalker or some sort of love-crazed freak, i'm just writing what i feel exactly as i feel it. which is why talking about chantel is the easiest thing of all. i don't have to lie or hide anything as one might usually do on a blog, i just have to follow my heart and the rest follows along.

my life is constantly changing, and i'm unsure as to where it will go from month to month with uni coming up and with changing trends from spending day after day watching junk on ninja, to working out at the gym, to cycling, to reading to anything..but now i have something constant. now i have something which i know will always be there, and the feeling of safety that i get from that and the feeling of solitude when everything else might be in disarray is remarkable, and the only thing that i can think about and the only thing that has been on the forefront of my mind for the past three weeks is that i want to always be there for chantel too, and that i would rather see her every single day than watch a million episodes of any programme on ninja if given the choice. thats just to put things into perspective, obviously i still do my guy stuff.. like act like a retard around dylan, like play guitar and watching movies and tv and bla bla because that is integrated into the person that i am. all im saying is that im a new person now because i have chantel, i have someone to hold on to and cherish which i didnt have before, and that to me is worth more than any material thing...even the best movies, like superbad the pink panther 2 and sex drive! :D

i make the best omellette ever, and this one time i was making one with chantel except i used too much milk and the heat was too high so it burnt and tasted not as good as expected, nor was it shaped too good...as a result i ruined my maiden chance of looking like the best chef ever as i claimed to be. ¬¬

i can be sitting around randomly and i will always know when chantel wants a drink or is feeling hungry or she wants to do something different like the movie we're watching sucks or something, and this, trust me people, is because i am a genuine psychic. i trained david blaine and he called me master whilst bowing to me, then i watched him and derren brown do a dance for me at my will :D muhahah!!

i am able to make my hands sweat at will, and whilst chantel thinks this is the most useless super power ever, it infact is subordinate to creating dandruff at will, which until something better is found, is the current most useless power ever :D

chantel's dog rosie is by far cuter than pippin, my dog, but that does not mean to say pippin has the cutest feet ever and is able to sit on my command! come on!! how awesome is that :P hehe i hope to spend AT LEAST 30 days of every-day contact with chantel given that the current chain is already nearly half of that :P i think it is safe to say that my discipline and just general amazingness more than suffices for such a challenge :D although im guessing i get most of that from chantel, the amazing half of the relationship! i'm just the zoolander that stands around looking pretty apparently hehe except im also super clever as i have a phD in being awesome and taking a stupid amount of pictures of myself o.O i can also cook, clean, iron my clothes, clean my room, walk my dog and roll-over when asked. (only chantel can take advantage of these numerous utilities) :D this reminds me of UltraBot 2000, something which used to super annoy her because it was so dorky, but i guess i am quite dorky so its okay haaha! i've noticed that im blabbing, however there is some point to my blab. im reminiscing and in doing so reminding myself that chantel makes me laugh, smile, giggle and feel like although im a dorky weirdo im actually a crazy awesome person who's dorky and weird :D i could continue but this is exceedingly long and im very sleepy :P so on this note, i leave an extract from my latest novel: Friar Dylan and his Misadventures Volume I. enjoy!

"The rain began to fall harder as Friar Dylan stared out of the window, glancing every now and then at the clock on the mantle as to ensure he gets his eight hours, and as the clock struck midnight he closed his eyes. He had spent most of his time attempting, but not succeeding, to find some fulflillment in an otherwise monotonous and depressing period of his life. He even attempted speed-dating to no avail as it appears a religious career isn't one which caters to the gold-digging/speed-dating demographic, which is the majority of the women in his small town, Shamshamville. They want someone valiant, chivalrous, dangerous and exciting...like a knight of the round table for example, to sweep them off their desperate feet. It was only during a walk in the local forest to collect nuts for his cupcake-baking shinanigans, that he felt compelled to role-play. He pranced back and forth in between the trees, grinning wildly as he did so whilst his brown standard issue cloak fluttered around behind him, like a majestic gazelle chasing after some tasty rabbits."

chantel, i am all yours :) xxx

blah blah and blabby blab of me

yes, given by my unusual title, i will be both blah blahing and blabby blabbing. about me. not to say that all of my blog posts arent about me anyway, since its my blog o.O but anyway, i've been thinking ALL day about what to write on this particular post, because this wont be like the others, in the sense that i'm going to try and transcribe everything in my entire head into something you can read and hopefully understand...i seldom go any deeper on this blog than a humorous babble about something random, but this time i'm gonna write a sort of journal on my thoughts and my life. and im insane so good luck. if you finish reading the whole thing ill send you a cookie.

i'm unsure as to where to begin, but i suppose i should take the past couple of days as a case study..they've been the usual, except subtly different..i'm not sure why but i'm stuck in a limbo, a world of indifference where i've become numb to everything, like a robot. i no longer have focus nor do i understand a lot of things anymore..

im insane for a few reasons. one being that i stare blankly for prolonged periods of time and live more inside my head than i do the outside world. two being that most of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is random babble used to make people laugh otherwise its a question aimed at whoever im talking to..about something random. three, i over-analyse everything. literally. i do something then like an poem from english lit class i deconstruct it and envisage multiple other ways it could have turned out in my head, for no apparent reason. i high five people rather than shake their hands when i meet them and i use "howdy doodle" as a greeting. i make a good chewbacca impression and i call people without an excuse..sometimes as many as 5 people in one phone convo. i eat unusually fast and type unusually fast, and im hyper observant when i go outside as well as hyper-paranoid. since i was robbed the first time a few years ago ive been automatically apprehensive whenever i go anywhere, it was so bad before i had to cancel on friends just if i had never been to where it is they wanted to meet up before, unsure as to how high the probability of being robbed was. its not so bad anymore. i sometimes like to sit alone in the park and just listen to the trees, if i cant be bothered to do that ill use my garden but its too noisy with traffic there..which sucks. theres too much light pollution in this city and i want to move somewhere remote where i can see the galaxy in the sky at night instead of dull faded clouds.

i used to be somebody who was organised and didn't have the most perfect routine but atleast there was some sort of order to my life. but now its chaos, im shrouded in a room covered in mess and text books scattered across the floor which haven't even been studied yet. i spend most of my time wondering who i am nowadays as opposed to just getting on with things and stopping being so damn contemplative. i cant seem to escape.

i wake up and if i have work, i reluctantly go there where im even more like a robot, and there is a mountain of stuff i ccould say about work but can't for legal reasons. if i dont have work, i just wake up and if im able to meet up with someone i will, else ill sit around and either listen to music or play guitar until i fall to sleep again. occasionally having a cookie. and some pasta. num num!!

there are plates and old clothes and my guitar laden over my makeshift couch, and no matter how often i clean my room it ends up like this anyway. i can't seem to sleep nor do i have the energy to do anything productive, it's literally taking the last quanta of energy i have left just to write this post. there is no way in hell im going to accomplish the schoolwork thats been set for me, and i know i have school tomorrow but i feel no fear. fear that i usually would feel knowing i havent done as ive been told. because the only reason i would care is if i was adamant on passing my test and going to university, but i cant truly say i am anymore. my mind and my focus have wandered elsewhere and left me stranded and blank. i spend most of my time staring blankly and just thinking about what the future holds and wishing i wasn't in the monotony of the present. i feel like im slowly degrading and everything is falling around me, because i barely smile anymore nor do i have the same drive to be funny and enthusiastic as i usually do. im scruffy and i cant find any damn clothes because they keep vanishing and ive spent more time sleeping somewhere other than my bed than..well, sleeping in my bed!

i'm one of about three people max. that i know whom call other people randomly for no apparent reason, just to talk. and akin to the fact i have no idea what to write on this post even though ive thought long and hard about it, when i do randomly call people i have no idea what to talk about. but that isnt the point. i call them because i miss them and i want to know how their day is going and how they are. and i do get nervous before they answer, because i feel like im just wasting their time and unless i have a valid excuse why should i have that privelage..its not like im super-interesting and can pull conversational topics out of thin air, but if i didn't call i would be stuck with myself..and my thoughts. i miss people and i find comfort in their voice.

im worried. worried that this numbness im feeling and this sort of 'i dont care about anything' attitude im adopting will turn me into someone else..for as long as i can remember, i've always looked out for those around me more than i have myself, ive always ensured that when a friend asked something of me and i can do it, i will and i will as quickly and as best as i can. because without those people, my friends, where would i be..but recently ive looked the other way and am less and less inclined to randomly call people, to go on facebook or msn and try and make conversations..instead ive found myself just in this daze where i sit around and either try and make songs or just wait until i fall asleep from boredom. am i becoming cold and careless? has it become the case that ive become so accustomed to disappointment and lack of self-confidence in my life that the prospect of happiness and enthusiasm has just become an after-thought? well like hell am i going to let anything like that change me. i know who i am, but im just going through a phase some might call depression but it isn't quite. its just the absence of happiness. im indifferent, neutral, in limboo. and its irritating the shit out of me.

its tormenting to think that people cant randomly talk to people. i see people all around me when i walk, when i travel, and just in the outside world in general. all of them encapsulated in their own little worlds i have no right to invade, but there are times when i see people of similar age to me or people alone and sitting curiously like me that i would like to talk to because i dont see why not other than the way it has been depicted into being "creepy" or undesirable. and for what reason? we're all just people in this big game called life, and we only live it once.

most nights end with me listening to a load of songs until i drift wearily into a deep sleep on the couch below my bed, because my bed no longer has a ladder and its too much effort to climb into it. its given be back problems which sucks, and not to mention my computer chair which is no better and feels like sitting on a plank of unusually hard wood attached to another plank of wood at JUST the right angle to make your back feel like its been hit by a train. i normally lay in my room in the pitch blackness for a while just staring into the top of my bed and thinking of everything there is to be thought of..there is no structure to what i think about, nor do i understand why because unusually i remember everything. well atleast it seems that way, random events and occurences that just pop into my head which are so random i have no idea why i even remember it. there is just an absolute mountain of junk lying in the caverns of my mind, and at the top is the holy grail of my dreams and aspirations.

i remember most of my dreams lately, and lately ive had a lot of dreams. that is the kind you have at night. but i havent written them so i cant tell you what they are, but next time i will. i once wrote a list of 100 things i want to do before i die. but it was lost along with my wallet and all of my other wallet-based credentials about a year ago..instead of come up with a more practical list of 5 major goals and a number of sub-goals in each. my goals correspond to different countries, so five countries which i will visit, and within each 5 sub-goals i will accomplish. ill say what the countries are but ill save the goals for another post..

-Australia
-China
-America
-Netherlands
-Easter Island

i used to have clear goals and i knew exactly where i was going and how i was going to get there..but now im in this limbo, everything is in disarray almost like my unsightly room is mirroring it..i'm constantly in this loop where i wake early, prepare for the day ahead, and nothing goes the way i expected.. i get home and i think of diluting my thoughts and feelings into songs and poems but i rarely yield any success..so is scrunch them up, turn the light off and live with them inside my head, tired of the fact i cant seem to find the capability. then i listen to my favourite songs and wonder how on earth i'll ever match up to that.. thats like most things regarding the clear goals i used to have in mind. my ideas that maybe if i followed the rules a bit and went to uni, and became rich and successul somehow that i would have an idyllic lifestyle, and maybe even become a rockstar. pfft. i no longer care about any of that. and i find that i don't even care if i get into uni or not this year, because in essence, this numbness i feel is in itself me just not caring. all i have my eyes on is the future and in particular travelling the world and experiencing life. i dont know what the future holds and im taking each day as it comes, but i know where i want to be. i dont care about wealth or possessions unless they'll help me achieve my list of goals. i suffer every weekend for the opportunity to do these things, sacrificing days of sunshine and opportunities to go out with my friends..i just hope its worth it in the end. not to mention the fact that every time i get paid about £300 a month it vanishes into the ether a couple of days later. its like what the hell do i buy? because i dont know of any fancy new items in my possession, its my theory i spend it on food and clothes which dont exist. but now i have a goal. i have some use for my money, and ive never been more determined to do anything in my entire life. i used to think my determination was university, but now its to have an adventure and travel. australia being #1 on the list.

in my life ive never had a companion with whom ive shared such experiences with. travelling places, camping, staying in hotels and exploring with..nor have i done any of those things alone anyway. and i want that all to change, i want to have experiences i can talk about and reflect upon as opposed to the jumble of thoughts i have now which are predominantly disappointments and wishes that things will get better. i keep moving forward further into the unknown in hope that something will eventually change. and ill escape this limbo. i dont want to become cold and follow the same repeating pattern everyday which has made me so numb..i want to make a song, i want to go to australia, i want to skydive, i want to have a relationship, i want to be someone im proud of rather than someone who has no self-esteem. someone who is a nice guy but doesnt finish last. someone that looks straight ahead instead of at his shoes..and im hoping that if i accomplish this list, ill be that someone.

today i was attacked by a a trolley filled with about 10 different types of cactus. i barely woke up this morning after falling asleep on the floor last night in a sleeping bag in my room at about 4am only to wake up at 8.30 in preparation to go to work. i didnt wake up at that time instead i threw my mobile alarm clock behind my bed and woke up a second time at 10.30am. i was late.

i had cheerios and golden nuggets for breakfast, and despite how much i dislike coffee, it was the only caffeine based thing i had available and i downed two cups of it. reluctantly. by the time i made it to the bus stop i barely had enough energy to even mount the bus that arrived 20 minutes later than the average time it usually arrives. almost as though it knew i was late for work and was mocking me. in the end i did arrive and it was absolute chaos. its almost as though hot weather makes customers go insane and something is activated in the human mind that says "must. buy. PLANTS! AND CACTI TO PRICK LEWIS WITH!" who the hell buys 25 cacti? but anyways, on my short half an hour long break i did contemplate randomly calling somebody, but instead i ended up spending 20 minutes attemtping in vain to write a post using my mobile, failing, and then listening to music whilst i listened to the sound of cars zoom by and ate a free ice cream.

i became so tired by about 3 oclock that my eyes were burning and i was losing concentration completely. i spent most of my time reading lines in my head of what i was going to write on here but that didnt turn out as well as i had hoped as i can see now.

im growing my beard again, and im hoping to make it the longest its ever been before for reasons unknown..well im curious mostly. i would talk in detail about another one of my days that have taken place recently but to be honest they are so boring my mind hasnt even bothered keeping them in storage.

there are three days that stand out in my mind however, that have taken place over this easter holiday, and they have been the best three days ive had in a very long time. i drew a picture for the first time in a while where i actually tried hard to make it look good lol and im working on making a song..

my cat henry spends more time at my neighbours house now than he does at mine and he stays there until so late that my mum gets worried and forces me to try and call him in at some obscene hour like 1am even though he'll never hear me because hes at my NEIGHBOURS. also, i need to babysit like all the time lately, which is irritating considering they dont need babysitting. just put a movie on and feed them some ice cream and its settled! something they can do themselves! i have to take out the rubbish every wednesday which drives me nuts considering how interruptive it is and how much rubbish we seem to go through (it really is terrible). my student finance thing is totally screwed and apparently i DONT want a loan or any money that is available to me, and i cant rectify this for something as trivial as the fact my printer has NO INK!! and i have no moeny to buy any ink, because despite the fact i have a job and get loads of money, i have no money!! wtff.

the idea of doing work keeps lingering over my head, and i know i havent done any all easter so the thought of trying to do some now even though i know i wont finish in time is completely stupid, all i would be accomplishing is making myself less unfinished than before.

after work today, the longest day ever might i add considering i worked both saturday and sunday this weekend..i sat for a while in the park, it was quiet and in contrast to the insane day i had, i finally found peace. and it was on the touch of a breeze rolling by my head that i finally felt better and mustered a smile. but i looked insane because i was in the park smiling to myself like ive just fed a record number of pidgeons and i love feeding pidgeons o.O

i suppose things will go the way they have been again..im going to lay around listening to music until i fall asleep on my couch because im too lazy to get into my annoyingly high up bed then im going to wake up and eat some cheerios and golden nuggets before making a peanutbutter sandwich and slaying an evil dragon to save the beautiful princess and restore order to the land. but in the meantime, im going to make a rap and become an icon all in time for me to go to australia and make enough money to make my puppets dance. DANCE PUPPETS!! DANCE!! MWAHAHAHA!! (you know who you are).

until next time, if youve read this far and that means the entire thing, then leave a comment so i know who you are and ill send you a cookie and a virtual high-ten. yes. HIGH TEN. (this only counts if i actually know who you are. and i dont run out of cookies from eating them all..NUM NUM!!)

this is the longest post ive ever written and also the deepest. damit what the hell have i been talking about, not even i know and im me..anyways its nap time!



NUM NUM NUM!!

a poem plus more

now

sometimes things go by so fast,
so that we rarely ever see,
the moments that are made to last,
are right infront of us, we're just too busy,

so many hours and empty spaces,
once filled with possibilities,
that as time went by we foolishly wasted,
time is fragile, and so are we,

because people rarely ever realise,
that in a split second things can change,
a single action to our surprise,
can make normal, emotions that once felt strange,

we rely on time and so we should,
so instead of dwelling in the past,
focus on making the present good,
creating moments that were made to last

that was just a little poem i thought i would write before i got started on my next, often blabby and often funny (i hope), blog post. and welll i have got to say, there is a whole mountain of things that i can talk about given that i haven't written on here in quite a while, apologies for those that read this and were eagerly anticipating my next installation of intriguing blab, like waiting for the next amazing episode of some unusual drama to air on tv, only to be disappointed because the producer has decided to go to thorpe park and spend his time playing guitar instead o.O

yup, i finally went to that place that has yielded so much attention from my peers, particularly those lucky ones that do Business and get to go there, apparently, for EDUCATIONAL REASONS. pfft. shame on me for not taking such an unexpectantly lax subject, but nevertheless, i've been there now.. Thorpe Park, and at first i was quite apprehensive for a number of reasons, which were very much confirmed upon leaving. to avoid unstructured babble i'll try and put them into a bullet point kinda thing:

• i'm scared of heights to an extent and the prime purpose for me going to Thorpe Park was to prove to dylan (that bitch) that i have big enough balls to go on stealth and shout "i've got balls on steel" in a Duke Nukem voice right at the peak. the TALLEST ride at the park.

but in my opinion, who isn't scared of heights? surely its only human to experience vertigo and your bodies natural defence system telling you "shit your so high that if you fall you will die, hence be afraid" unless your some sort of superhero that often flies, a pilot, drunk or desperate to seem cool by claiming your "not scared of heights" which is pointless. besides i just told myself its all in my head and that worked for me..somehow.

• humans are idiots. they stand in a line, which leads to another line, leading to yet another line; except this line is encapsulated in little zig-zag fence as though sheep are being herded and might escape.. but they seem more fitting as a thing on which to sit if anything, since queue jumpers still take advantage of the fact they have legs and can climb. finally, once you've traversed the un-necessarily zig-zaggy maze for about 3 hours, you reach a sign saying "Main Entrance: approximate waiting time: 150 minutes" which is where the actual line begins. GRRRRR. by this point, it emerges to me my opening sentence "humans are idiots" more clearly than ever before..you queue for three hours to queue for three hours to go on a ride for an average of 30 seconds! you waste 6 hours to experience fun, and excitement and joy and everything else i really like about rides at theme parks, for no longer than 1 minute!!! now i don't know if it's just me, but something isn't right there..

im not trying to appear like a wet blanket or some sort of old fogey, but come on people really? i love rollercoasters and everything else just as much as the next person but after having queued for that length of time, no matter how damn good i thought the ride was going to be before i entered that line, all enthusiasm and excitement instantly drained from me..i felt like i was going to go absolutely APESHIT! (ask dylan) but i got over it eventually and it was good..twas a good day methinks..

i had a pizza-eating contest with dylan, that moron, and despite the fact i can eat faster its just not physically possible for my stomach to contain a certain amount of pizza..it was unfortunate they made it so clear that it was an ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT buffet and that the pizza looked so damn good, AND that dylan challenged me, because it led to me eating 10 slices in about 5 minutes which i instantly regretted..atleast he didnt eat much more (11) but he still won. damit. the irony of it is that by the time i got on a ride, due to the queuing time, i had already felt much better and was actually hungry again for more, which i would have gone and gotten were it not for the fact i would have had to walk past 500 eager line people behind me.

despite his scare tactics i finally did manage to go on stealth as the sort of finale to the day, and i did shout "i've got balls of steel" at the top very loudly which really hurt my throat, and dylan did a kool-aid man "oooh yeaah!" impression in response which took my mind off the fact we were about to plummet 200 feet. i think i could see my house, and a seagull almost hit me.

in conclusion, unless you count queueing as going on an exciting ride, and have an unremitting desire to stand boringly for hours until you turn into a vegetable, get fast-track tickets. for heavens sake.

a different note

i have a nickname! finally! and one that isn't coherent to my ACTUAL name for once..normally when people gave me a nickname, it was something like lewie, lewlew, lew, and in one case loolabell...haha but i think that it was never really as genuine as a nickname thats like completely different and actually tells a story. i mean, nicknames should be spawned from an inspiring moment or something characteristic of the person in question! which is why today was awesome and obviously inspiring! well folks *drumroll please* my nicknaame iss. muse! yes yes its the name of a band and noo im not a Matt Bellamy wannabe, i just really enjoy music and play more instruments than the average person...aand so i think its quite fitting. i also managed to become the nickname admin of two people woohoo! i'll say just their nicknames and see if anyone can guess their true identities...maybe i'll make a 'to be continued' sort of thing where on "next week's blog post" you find out the identities haha..they're both femalee aand their nicknames are scribble and zanzi. tbh i completely don't expect ANYBODY to get who zanzi is unless theyre omniscient or a really good stalker, but aah its more fun to have people guess anyway.

today was a truly great day, i just didn't want it to end..i finally actually took advantage of the fact the weather is nice by doing something that actually requires moving from my comfortable chair in my room to the great outdoors! (and into pizza hut) that did happen but that wasn't the main reason (and i had a salad so ha).. anyway anyway enough blabbing, i think i'm going to build where i left off on my alphabet of rambling words! inspired by none other than Lucy Dulieu :D i quoted youu now i am no longer a thief of literature! mwahaha! :P x

G for Goosebumps:

this is perhaps the most annoying and pointless skin disorder ever, if that's even what it can be referred to as. i mean how else would you indicate its goosebumps your talking about to someone..."oo you knoww, those pimples on your skin", "ooh you knoww, when you look like a basketball" its a skin disorder that i don't need to do biology to justify! its annoying and does nothing but prove your either really scared or freezing your ass off.

H for Hoop:

This is more of a dedication that a criticism of this word..hoops are so damn useful to our lives. you can eat spaghettii hoops, you can eat hula hooops, despite seeming bad because hoops make you eventually obese, they are so magical that they let you lose weight by spinning a hoop around your waist over and over like a hawaiian hula girl (something i was never able to master. damit.) and you can play basketball yaay. but there is a darkside to the hoop...and it is called earrings. yes, large loop earrings. the unsightly 12cm diameter gold ones which i can't possible justify as a fashion statement. unless the people wearing them have too many keys and need some extra space.

i normally do three in a row, but i've decided i'm going to do something whereby people make a request for what they want me to criticise next time! :D any suggestions for words that begin with the letter I are welcome and you can leave them in the comments section.. woo night night peopless

aimless

here i am..back from a short break from the world of blogging whilst i worked on turning myself into Hercules through my makeshift garden gym. In fact, as i type this its taking every ounce of strength i have left in my arms and wrist just to move my fingers up and down...but theres some saying 'no pain, no gain'..i have yet to see if that is actually the case. i know i haven't worked out in absolutely ages, so the reason as to why im bothering exercising now falls under a lot of things:
-the weather is nice! yeah!
-im becoming fat and i havent had an apple or some sort of '5 a day' in............
-i want to beat ali in an arm-wrestle and then take over the universe

aside from that its the holiday!! and i have an irresponsibly long amount of time on my hands during which i've been allotted an insurmountable amount of work...as a matter of fact, the reason i choice to do geography is beyond me...not because of the course content, thats fine i think its actually quite fascinating, but in terms of the volume of dense nonsense you need to cram into your brain which to be frank is...well..NONSENSE! for example, i had to memorise and study in depth 4 classifications of soil, the areas that they would be found in, what leads to them becoming that type of soil and the implications it has on river discharge and the environment!! in that respect it is exactly how everybody perceives it to be, about rivers, soil and other physical rubbish that serves no purpose but to turn me into a vegetable...on the other hand, there are some interesting things to learn like geopolitics and stuffff..but the point is! the thing that reallllllly bugs me about this subject that no other subject does, is the fact that every lesson i get given 5 billion trillion HANDOUTS. large pieces of A4 paper, often in booklet form that contain case studies on Mexico and the Middle East with statistics on every thing known to mankind. including the amount of oil one person in a certain impoverished country has and how this will affect how we eventually destroy ourselves and the world. WTF. i have more handouts stuck in my book using treasury tags than i do actual pages of book.

i need to babysit and i have company so i bid you farewell!

three heads are better than two

One day, we wrote a story, Hiya k-r-u to the downs because its my turn to not be slippin on the 5-0 whatcha talkin about willis crips alert

ok im unsure as to what the hell that just was, but seeing as my blog has some special 'guest stars' so to speak i will allow excessive amounts of crap which i usually wouldn't permit were i writing on my own. (yes it is i the grand daddy)

A fine statement, however, i do not believe that you (above) are able to distinguish what 'crap' is, therefore, i would advise caution to the both of you when entereing the realm of venacular speech.

And this is Head Commissioner Sgt. Yo Yo Yo Pimple Slippers of the Black Dick Cop unit, a privately owned corporation serving Scotland Yard. My partners are Rameses, Persius and Drago. And Chev Chelios, that guy from Crank! CRAAAANK! Crankity-crank-tank-and-spank yomomma

errr..yes, danger danger. high voltage. when we watch crank and when we read benji's unbelievably random and cruddy shite. it could be argued that i am polluting my blog with this collaborative intake of fellow writers, but my blog lacking invention and new ideas i felt needed some sort of spark. similar to the spark that comes off of the chainsaw on Marcus Fenix's gun when turning the locusts into a pile of spam.

*spark*

*spack*

*goodbye mr a, you promised you would love us but you knew too much!

erm.........

Their music is in traction, their number is up...and ive not seen much of them lately, did my landmine sowing of their estate really work quite as well as I thought it did?

for those of you reading this..if you are infact still reading up to this point! congratulations, you have proven yourself to be ready for this jelly. because we didnt think you could handle a body as bootylicious as mine. benji can you handle this?

[for reference this is not benji talking] and if you've managed to read up to here, you have criminally wasted a few moments of your life.

What ho, my dogs, we ride into the breach. But dirty because my rims, and hers, certainly are. Excuse me Kelly, but I've noticed that your jelly looks like lime. I've a little pineapple scrub and I was wondering if I could exfoliate your grass skirt. I.e. denature it with the enzymes and drop it off. Can you handle this mofo?

well anyway, i think this could go on for infinity were it not for me pulling it towards an eventual end and sparing benji from failing in history, as in writing this i have prevented him from doing absolutely any work. its 13.25pm and its lunchtime and im in here blogging now if thats not saying something i dont know what is. and yes benji i can handle this

until next time! guten tag

two heads are better than one

ok so it turns out that im at school once again attempting to fend off the uselessness of trying to get some work done.

And hi, this is Benj, his collaborator, a little bit like the Lt. to Kane in NOD if you follow C&C fiction

or if you prefer, the Sgt.Johnson to Master Chief if you are as jubilent about halo 3 as we are

jubilation not like the jubilee line where there is nothing to celebrate but the royal jubilee where there is nothing to celebrate bar street vendors selling you pop tarts loaded with tartrazine for the princely sum of 500 credit crunch pounds please

and seeing as we've stumbled onto the topic of the london underground system, in lieu of the song which has an unecessary amount of profanity in it, its shit!

theyre all lazy f(lecking) useless c(artographers), they're all greedy c(rops) I wanna shoot them all with a rifle, Natalie is currently grilling me with her eyes, this probably after i asked her if she wanted to model my beef to see if i would get das boot in das nuts

because to be frank..my body is too bootylicious for you babe. to be honest i think height restrictions on becoming a model is complete bullshit! because its difficult being "really really really ridiculosuly good-looking" in todays society

surely thats more to life, isnt it lewis, did you misquote on purpose? and thankyou, i can use marks of various decorum for my sentences to be stretched, like in Tony Hawks where you pretty much tick down a combo meter then spam the caveman for high score

unlike in Skate 2, the incompetent spin-off where there is a button for every single limb. move the thumbstick up and slightly to the left to do an olly, move it up and slightly more to the left to do another TYPE OF OLLY. what the hell is the point? you may aswell go the whole nine yards and make a button which allows your player to have sex with the skateboard

or go the whole ten yards by bringing back deniro and perry for another round of raucous bumming. So, this week, speaking of olly olly olly tits and trollies, we've a new cinematic outing that could be the greatest ever, that of Zac Efron and Matthew Perry playing a loser who turns into a winner. Its like Rocky for tweens, or Camp Rock, or the Rocky Horror Picture Show, or the Hand That Rocks The Cradle but like with a ladle instead for you to scoop out their brains with and see if there really is any matter within. On that matter...

Ye damn right...but on the other hand you could always just throw all of those over enthusiastic wannabe musicians into a House of the Living Dead game and watch them as they feebly attempt to sing We're Breaking Free

the song is actually credited on the OST as Breaking Free, get your facts right Lew. Ive noticed that its 12.49 and therefore I should really be heading off, but if you think about me now and then, with fires on lake Michegan, then im coming home again to meet chris martin's parents. And wouldnt you rather do that than spend the holidays with your own inlaws?

So in conclusion...whos the black cop dick thats a sex machine to all the ladies?



Benj


Ye damne right. Peace out, eight down. KOOOONVICT!
im naked

the words: random, rambling, and rant all begin with an r

i have been thinking recently of creating a new blog where i review movies, particularly the bad ones that completely irritate me and have stolen valuable sections of my life that i will never get back...although there are parts to all movies that can be criticised in some way or other, even the good ones.. but ill save that for a later time or another post.

incase you haven't guessed what this post is about yet, from my relatively cryptic title which seemingly holds no meaning, the theme isss...the alphabet! and words that begin with letters! in honesty as you may have guessed from my previous post, i have been exceedingly stressed out lately...in spite of those dirty-minded people out there i employ i number of methods to relieve stress recently which include:
-working out and actually doing some exercise on something other than my fingers (typing). im quite proud of myself seeing as i havent in over a year and i fear i will fall into the trench of obesity
-yelling really hard at pidgeons until they fly away in fear
-aaand ultimately ranting about random things on this newly made blog in a hope that people will read it and understand my paain! (yes im a terrible actor), not really but writing all this stuff is quite fun now ive gotten started :D

well again to avoid the long bumpy road around the nice and straight 'Main Point', the punchline is that this particular post is an alphabet of words which i have taken at random, and decided to criticise or find something to say about just for fun, because to be honest i can't be bothered to have an opinion on absolutely everything so i will be making most of these up as i go along haha it feels like this will take absolutely ages but i have nothing better to do unless i want to force myself to actually do something productive, but the way i see it is..if i do this now, once ive done it ill have nothing to do and seeing as ive already eliminated doing this all ill be left with is a whole load of guilt and a pile that stretched beyond my head of work to do...i think ill use that as an excuse as to why this is gona be so damn long :| but here goes!

The Rambling Alphabet of Random Ranting

A for Ardvark:

To be honest i've never actually truly known what on earth an ardvark actually is..to be honest i reckon barely anyone does and if they do they either love reading wikipedia as a hobby or they want to become an Ardvarkologist. In my mind the only rationale behind bringing up Ardvark in a conversation is because of the people talking are Ardvark enthusiasts or they enjoy discussing animals that look like the offspring of an armadillo and an anteater, or the fact it has a funny name which instantly makes me instead envisage some kind of docile bird-like animal similar to an ostrich. but maybe thats just me.

B for Beach:

mmm...what comes to mind when i've decided to rant about a beach on my blog post? sand. its everywhere...you can't escape it even when you lay down a towel, it will find a way to get onto you. it's rough and gritty and gets between your toes and yet people frolick around in it as though its soft finely-grated jelly with built-in foot massaging features. i understand it would be nice for little kids etc. who want to build sandcastles, which i admit is quite fun, but that doesn't excuse how damn annoying it is when it comes to just getting rid of it! get off my legs damit! no i don't have any sandles!

C for Cow:

I've decided that at this rate, i will write an entire books worth of descriptions on random words, so im going to limit myself to 3 or 4 lines and seeing as im talking about cows ill just say this. They are up in the top 10 list of most boring animals on the planet along with badgers, wilderbeest and benji (loll). I can understand how they can be fun when you want to tip them over but even that is nearly impossible because they weigh like 9 million tonnes, and if Me, Myself and Irene is accurate you can shoot them in the head 10 times and they will be just fine (now that is pretty cool).

D for Doughnuts:

Yes they taste unbelievable good particularly Krispy Kremes, but they ultimately serve you with nothing more than 5 minutes of joy and 5 pounds of FAT. they are good every now and then, they taste nice, they look nice, they are ok to eat, but i've learned the hard way that eating a Double Dozen of Krispy Kremes is not the answer. to anything. unless you have an unrelenting desire to turn yourself into a new form of public transport. or a whale.

E for Elf:

I've never been a huuuuge fan on fantasy or had a particular interest not in santa but in his little green helpers, but its my understanding that elves are either: immortal fertility gods that like to live in underground caves and are exceptionally beautiful, or tiny men that run around in green outfits and held captive by santa, have a fetish over the snap, crackle, and pop sounds of rice krispies, (watch the commercials), and seem to be able to build absolutely every toy known to man despite being isolated in the middle of the arctic circle with no access to an instruction manual or assembly guide..mmm... i prefer the second type of elf! screw lord of the rings!

F for Froobs:

Yes, some amazing genius out there decided it was a good idea to put yoghurt into a thin plastic packaging that can be squeezed easily into your mouth.. i know! i can't believe i didn't think of it either! there is some very particular innuendo with eating froobs, and in spite of ruining ever being able to eat them again after reading this they don't taste that great anyway and only come in strawberry flavour as far as i know. on the plus side! they make very good pepper spray replacements if you pierce a tiny hole in the end and squeeze it as hard as possible towards the attacker's eyes.

okok i've decided to keep it short and sweet this time round, and perhaps continue this on another occasion. but until next time! have a goodnight folks..

the day that doesn't seem to end

Wow, this is something new.. im actually at school at writing this blog post because ive reached a stage where im both no longer bothered to do any meaningful work, and i have no means of doing anything else in this void-of-joy institution. I suppose im using this as some sort of release from the instant depression i felt in seeing my exam timetable today, in light of the previous post i made where i ranted about the pros and cons of going to university, its truly dawned on me today how..well basically..fucked i am! it will take a miracle for me to absorb the volume of information that i need to learn in order to pass these exams in the summer, a miracle whereby someone shoots a large gun filled with 'information' at a million handouts a second into my temple in a futile attempt to try and cram 200 pages worth of information into a brain that can only fit..none.

yes i admit it i am completely void of concentration and focus, as mr roberts would say i am becoming a "Susan" on the chart of people that will either do well or fail. i wanted to make my own category known as the people that don't concentrate and are consistently unfocused and still do well! but that path is becoming increasingly shrouded in piles of handouts and dense blocks of text on tourism, the internet and different types of coastal landforms.

whoever designed the exam timetable is a complete assface. he must have thought:

Examiner: "omg i have a great idea on how to ruin the life of all those students when it comes to exams! let me put a 3 hour geography exam on the day before a 3 hour computing exam! both in the morning! then maybe if theyre still alive afterwards i can go over and laugh at them as they cry"

Chief Examiner guy in charge of exams: "Damn thats the best idea ive ever heard, lets just make the content on those 3 hour exams as tedious and long as possible!"

well aside from the daunting task of learning piles and piles of information on things i will probably never use in real life, i have these exceedingly long and boring days to cope with e.g. four periods of geography on tuesday, and again on thursday?! and finishing at 4.30pm like all of the damn time. to exacerbate things even further, within the school environment itself im constantly surrounded my underling plebs in the years of 7-11 that seem to have only just recently mustered the intelligence to spell their names properly when graffitying...aside from the fact they dont seem to know how to do up a tie in some attempt to appear 'cool' they walk as though they constantly have a rolling pin shoved up their ass and in an attempt to alleviate the pain, loosened their belts to make their trousers baggy enough for you to see their 50 Cent underwear. yes you've guessed it, the school is polluted with chav.

i had an idea once...why don't we cram all of societies scum: muggers, rapist, pedos, chavs and just criminals and terrorist in general, into a large spacecraft fitted with video cameras in a Big Brother-esque TV programme, then send them off into orbit whilst we watch Darwinism cause them to shoot eachother and eat eachothers brains. maybe if one of them is clever enough they will learn to use the navigation well enough to fly them all into the sun! (p.s. this show would probably be more entertaining than actual Big Brother, which is the shittest programme ever made in the universe ever. in fact, watching that hypnotises me into wanting to smash my head against a large wall of iron and is akin to staring at a hippo's anus for prolonged periods of time i.e. nothing can come from it but shit. - James Ransome)

until next time! take care people

everything yet nothing

you always had something but you wanted more,
something you can call your own and something to adore,
you closed your eyes and in the sky the sun was shining down,
then you opened them up and there she was in the whitest wedding gown,
she was just another person deep in thought like you,
she closed her eyes then opened them up and saw you in a suit.

something that can't be touched nor can it be seen,
is that something you were looking for all along,
in a place you'd never been,
in a place where it all makes sense and yet its so surreal,
that place you go when her eyes meet yours, and its only her you feel,
nobody is there but her, and for her no-one but you,
something you've wanted for the longest time, but you could never have,
something that was unrequited but now she wants you too,
you never did have much but you never needed it,
least of all when you found that special something,
the place you found for you and her,
which is everything, yet nothing.

illness is just an excuse

well..im sitting here in my room writing a new post on my blog whilst i should be at school doing computing coursework, because i've fallen under the wrath of the most annoying illness known to man... i became ill so suddenly on saturday night, that it was almost as though my immune system decided it doesn't give a shit anymore and gave the flu virus a really detailed step-by-step guide on how to cause me the most suffering within the space of a single evening..it ruined my plans of going to the pub and resultantly i mustered enough strength to see the worst film ever made. ever; "Knowing" with Nicolas Cage...in fact i can summarise it as follows:

Nicolas Cage: "mmm..lots of dates on a large piece of paper! let me drink some more whiskey in my basement"

Skeptical Friend: "those dates are meaningless!"

Nicolas Cage: "those dates aren't meaningless!!"

Blonde Alien Man: *whisper whisper whisper*

Skeptical Friend: "omg your right those dates are meaningful! shit tell some people"

Nicolas Cage: "shit its too late we're all going to die..hey! that's my son!"

Blonde Alien Man: *whisper whisper*

Nicolas Cage: "Don't touch my son!"

Blonde Alien Man: *whisper whisper* *flies away in spacecraft*

BOOM! the entire universe explodes.

the end.

as a matter of fact, that film was so bad, that i think it pissed off the flu virus that had just started getting cosy inside me and made it punish me for watching such a movie via rapid sneezing and making my eyes feel like they've just been put into the microwave...that was on saturday night, and its now monday afternoon and im only just beginning to feel slightly better after downing caps and caps of "Benalyn for Flu" medicine. At the same time im feeling the weight of guilt for not doing my computing coursework as i write this, knowing that the deadline is nearing..but on the other hand its given me the flexibility to go take a nap now so i have more energy to work on it tomorrow, double-speed!

i said in my last post that i would build on some of the things i mentioned in greater depth, like perhaps revealing to everybody my entire psyche in the space of a few paragraphs..unfortunately im unsure as to how to go about doing that, but i will say a few things that are the somewhat 'highlights' of my life at the moment: my mother has signed my up to play live music in the local pubs and bars, despite the fact that i can't sing or atleast i can but not well enough to please a group of drunken people brandishing easily breakable-into-weapon beer bottles and glasses. i fear for my life. and secondly, what would they like to listen to? because the only song ive heard recently coming from those places is Living On A Prayer by Bon Jovi and like hell am i playing that...in terms of relationships, i don't think that's going anywhere partially because anyone that i would remotely have a chance with already has a boyfriend, and everyone else i just don't have a chance with. im not sure why that is but the more you think about and try to rationalise things like that the more it becomes likened to asking yourself something like "what is the meaning of the universe?" i.e. don't bother. i just be myself, thats all i can be. and myself is random and quirky subtly blended in with nerdiness and unusual hobbies, not to say that i actively seek out to portray myself like that.

The point is that in my experience nobody can truly know what everybody wants and what everybody is looking for, because if that was the case everybody would be perspectively perfect, almost as though they are psychic or like Mel Gibson from that movie What a Woman Wants. "you know sarah..i like poetry, long walks on the beach and riding bikes.." reply "omg lewis! me too what are the chances? we get on so well now because we have so much in common that we should totally go out!"..in a perfect world maybe. but in my opinion i think there is an element of chance in finding relationships...in my experience i find that moulding yourself into what you think a person likes or is looking for does no good because that person will always be a fabrication..its about those moments that happen just on the spur of the occasion, such as when the girl drops her books and you go to pick them up as she does and you bang heads and both giggle, its a huge cliche` but you get the point. so recently, ive decided to save myself the torment of trying to understand why it is that jerks and people that treat girls like crap always end up, ironically, getting the girl.

perhaps in some ways it is true that nice guys finish last but if its a race out of a nice guy and a bunch of assholes, i think its worth the wait as opposed to turning to the darkside and conforming to the idea that girls "love bad guys" just so you can finish first but instead of winning a gold medal you win an aluminium medal painted gold. i dont care how amazing the girl is, nothing is worth becoming a 'bad guy' over when you can wait and find someone who likes 'nice guys' which you are and her being your real gold medal.

in conclusion, that was a bit of a long detour to taking the road labelled "Main Point", but just be yourself. don't be saddened when your unlucky in life because there is always a balance and something good will happen in its place eventually, and humour truly is the best medicine.

until next time, thank you for reading :)

ants can carry a lot on their backs

hi peoplee, this is my first actual blog! im kinda new to the whole blogging scene.. but i suppose i have an obligation to make it engaging and interesting enough for you to continue reading beyond what your reading now, and hopefully by the time i find something in that confused head of mine to talk about, i will have achieved just that.

i've always read blogs and felt a mixture of inspiration and interest into how people can express themselves so freely, and talk about literally anything and everything; and yet despite my best efforts i can't seem to process the endless jumble of noise that rambles around in my head all of the time, something which should be easy..just say what i feel right? but im gonna give it a shot anyway and best scenario: you laugh a bit and understand just what it is that makes me stare randomly into space for prolonged periods of time (yes people have given me weird looks and pointed this out) haha, worst case: you laugh a bit, except at me, ultimately thinking that reading this blog was akin to watching the paint on a wall dry..whilst eating a peanutbutter sandwich. in any case, here goes.

I guess for the first blog i've ever written, i should tie in a number of the major things going on in my life right now and sort of what i feel makes me most contemplative most recently, but ill get onto that after i blab about myself for a bit. although i like to think of myself as being a layered and complicated person for the thrill of perhaps knowing it makes me less like a plank of wood and more like a mysterious/interesting guy, in reality there isn't much to me...of course like all people, i have my twist and turns but on the surface im just the manifestation of everything i see around me and the product of my experiences, similar to how skydiving might make you more daring. I like to believe i can read people and that im really good at psychology because i want to have the feeling that i can understand why people do some things when im actually completely lost, to try and rationalise why some things dont go the way i planned or why i can never seem to get some things right when everything i think i know points to the contrary...i blame myself for all of lifes failures even when its out of my control or theres nothing i could have done, because no matter how successful i am or how much i achieve, i never seem to approve myself. i am constantly self-depreciating because i want to think i can be something better..i see stories of success around me and wish that i could envelope all of them, like an obsession which i cant seem to shake...i've learnt to play 3 instruments well and im continuing to learn a further 3, i tried to be an artist and took up art and design, ive written songs, ive written poems and i practice guitar every night...i like to fill my life with these talents and quirks because it distracts me from everything else i cant control..like a rabbit trying to eat cabbage because its being force-fed carrots..

i have a tightly wound circle of friends that i know will genuinely last, but i'll never forget those that have left my immediate life. they all have an impact on me, every single one in some way or other..and i miss them.

i like to make people laugh and always be the pioneer of jokes and humour in my tightly-wound circle of friends and thats part of what fuels my self-esteem when everything else around me seems to be failing...

at this point in my life, the pressure is overwhelming and arguably the highest its ever been at any one time yet i cant seem the shake the feeling that i just dont care. I'm seen by so many people as being an academic maverick who will grow to do great things, and will have the most dazzling career seemingly out of some sort of magic spell where i can shoot money out of my ass, which of course should be expected from relatives and family friends but it doesn't make things any better...theres so much weight on one tiny frame of time where simply writing a few things on a few pieces of paper is alleged to determine your entire life..i think its complete bullshit but there are always two sides to an argument..

sure ive gotten into some uni's and they want high grades from me, but the argument that goes: "its only a few months of hard work then you can relax! then its all over, isnt that worth it in the end?" is becoming increasingly irritating to my ears amidst the weight of the world on my shoulders..i failed my recent exams in spite of my determination to not care whether or not i do well because half of me thinks none of this matters.. the other half of me wants the social life, the legends that come with university and the amazing fresher's week, the prospect of finding a significant other and building my knowledge of the world. FIRST TIME. in all honesty, if i dont make it into university THIS time round, not next year, not after a few years, NOW when everyone else is going and having a good time, i think i will honestly go insane..because the prospect of being so isolated and such a failure in the eyes of so many is one that is increasingly difficult to bare. back to the first half..if i dont get in this time, there is more to life than university right? i can go and experience new things maybe climb mt. everest or visit some new cultures! but thats just wishful thinking ill probably end up in the Alaskan wilderness for a few decades before im found by some local hunters that mistake me for bigfoot because ive grown a beard the size of me..on the brightside they'll probably make a documentary about it and i'll be rich just like the original plan except without having gone to university! hows that for irony..

woh..well that was a long rant but its what has been tormenting me most lately..i have too much to juggle in that head of mine without having to worry about learning arbitrary facts on the universe and what type of computer cable is the best type..now to the point on why i stare so blankly..i think about everything, all of the time, thinking about the past about the future and about what is happening around me right at that moment. i think about things as broad as what im going to say to my friends next time i talk to them all the way to what i should have for dessert later ice cream or jelly and everything in between. im lonely i wont lie about that nor be embarrased because im sure many people are. its not a condescending trait, it just means that amidst this lifestyle of mine..watching one tv programme a week, studying three subjects everyday whilst i balance a social life and the responsibilities of looking after and tutoring two younger sisters, i want something more. i want the feeling you get when you know that no matter how badly things might be going in your life or how badly your screwing everything up around you, you mean something more than just friendship to someone because you have expressed the exact blend of qualities at the exact right times to cause someone to feel that way..and when you feel the same, its a beautiful and seemingly rare thing to have.

but back to beginning..i am quite simple once you get to know me, and those of you that do will know what im like anyway so i wont go into too much detail on here ill save that for another time because ive ranted enough about stuff already as it is..but i have left quite a few doors open for future blogs which is good if youve enjoyed reading this one. there will be more to come! :)